Dusting off the Blog after a loooonnnnnggg hiatus....

Guess whose back? Back again... Roycers back, tell a friend.  Guess whose back? Guess whose back?....actually don't tell a friend, because as people closest to us triathlon narcissists know, NO ONE CARES.  

If you made it this far, your thought bubble is something like this, "Oh you went and exercised excessively in a far off land again? Oh it was hot? And what was that about your normalized power?  And tell me again how oatmeal is a good choice of carbs before a race?  And you paid to do this? Triathlon made you sad again? But you will keep doing it because of course you will"..."Cool story bro, sounds just like your last 27 blog posts, but there is a really great TikTok of cats playing ice hockey, I might check back after Mr. Bigglesworth gets out of the penalty box."

But, for those 2-5 family members and close friends (Shout out Joe Strukl) that do read these posts out of a sense of familial obligation, I love you and thank you.  Welcome back into the dark recesses of my endurance addled mind for another trip down Suffer Lane.  Maybe there is something here that will help you (or at least make you chuckle).

Where I've Been...

My last post was after Ironman Cozumel in 2018.  I was coming off Kona and had two of my worst performances at the full distance.  In 2019, I had decent showings at Galveston 70.3 and Virginia 70.3 and welcomed my second daughter into the world in August.  I was able to maintain fitness and went to Ironman Chattanooga in September with the hopes of locking down another Kona Slot for 2020.  Despite being in a great position off the bike, I experienced similar health issues to Cozumel and decided to pull out of the race out of fear I would actually hurt myself.  

We all experienced the flaming goat rodeo dumpster fire of 2020, so no need to delve deeper than to say despite the objective shit storm, I was blessed to have a great year with my wife and daughters, stay fit, and not have to stress about racing.  *I also found a love for TikTok and spent an inordinate amount of time making bad lip sync videos, and compilations of my dancing toddler, but I digress (but also follow me IMRoycer81 Tikity Tocker)*

2019 and 2020 were significant for my personal growth as a man, husband, and father.  After real lows in those areas, and with the help of fantastic therapists, depression lamps, and a nudge from the fine makers of Prozac, I was able to self actualize into a closer representation of the person I want to be.  I drifted too far toward my obsession of chasing success in sport to the detriment of my family.  Looking back with clearer eyes, I was not giving the same level of devotion and care to Sloane and Britt that I should have.  I want to thank my wife for having the hard conversations with me and inspire me to be better.  Never again will I make those mistakes, and today I can confidently say I am a good husband and father as opposed to simply portraying myself as one on social media. My only actual regret thus far in life is that I spent even a single minute not devoting my primary energies toward my girls.  

As an aside, I can't stress enough how important it is to take care of mental health.  I am prone to depression and therapy has been a life saver.  Don't be ashamed to ask for help.  At the very least, I'm happy to talk to you about it, even if you don't know me that well.  Happy to share my experience and what has worked for me.  Now give me a moment as a I tuck this soapbox back under my desk and get back to the content all 3 of you came for :)

2021: Can I still Do This?

During Quarantine I devoted myself to strength training and Zwift racing.  I became strong and very
powerful on the bike (my FTP went up by about 35 watts).  When it looked like racing was actually going to start up again, I started focusing on running, and gradually (and begrudgingly) started to swim again.  In the early part of the Summer I was feeling pretty upbeat about a late season Ironman and perhaps another chance for a KQ.  I started off the year with two 70.3s at Rev 3 Williamsburg and Rev 3 New England.  At Williamsburg, I had a 6 minute lead off the bike and managed to squander it by mile 7 of the run.  My quads totally exploded and I was barely able to finish the race.  I limped home with an embarrassingly bad run performance.

I decided to focus on technique and posterior chain activation after Williamsburg.  I concluded my quad failure was due to my posterior chain being "switched off" as a part of my longstanding high hamstring tendinopathy.  New England went better, but was still pretty disastrous.  I was able to run about 8 good miles before my legs gave out again.  At the end of both of races I found myself in a pretty bad mental place with this sport.  It had now been nearly 3 years since a good performance and I was growing tired of DNFs and embarrassing walks to the finish line.  Bottom line, I was not having fun.  If I am going to spend all of this time, money, and emotional energy to do an activity that takes me away from my girls, I want to be successful and actually enjoy doing it.  

Now I know what you data nerds are thinking, "Danny, you obviously rode too hard, that is why you aren't able to run".  All I will say is that I have been doing this for a long time, I am meticulous with data collection and preparation, and my bike efforts were way within my capabilities.  If I over biked, I would be the first to admit it.  And in case it is not evident by now, self deprecation happens to be a specialty of mine.  I hold several world records in self flagellation (it's true, google it).  I am my worst and biggest critic, and would be happy to call myself out if I thought that was the root cause.

It's hard to adequately describe the suffering endured during one of these races, and if you can't find joy or success in the suffering it makes it infinitely harder to continue.  You must be willing to live deep in the dark crevices in your mind, block/embrace physical and emotional pain, and find the will to continue when every cell of your body is telling you to quit.  Truly, I began to wonder if I just didn't have that ability anymore.  Have I gotten soft?  Has my grit left me? Am I too old? Have I finally cracked? Have my kids made me too.....normal?

After soul searching, my coach and I decided to mutually part ways.  We concluded that for whatever reason, things weren't clicking anymore and it might be time for a new stimulus.  I have nothing but fantastic things to say about my former coach, Eric Limkemann, and would recommend him to anyone.  Over 7 years he molded me and helped me achieve my dream of qualifying for and racing in Kona.  I would not be the athlete I am today without him.  Thank you Eric, and I am grateful for your friendship above all else.

Returning to my Roots

Since August, I have been sans coach and training myself.  It has been nice to have a little bit more freedom in my schedule and have fallen into a nice groove that punctuated itself into fantastic Fall fitness.  I started to focus on hill running and short intense efforts, and the impact on my run has been mind blowing.  I have seen more run progress in the last two months with these small changes than I did in the previous two years.  As part and parcel of my attempts to get back to fun, I signed up for a few local Olympics to see if: a) I could run without blowing up, and b) have fun racing again.  I seemingly accomplished both missions at the Patriots Olympic in Williamsburg followed by the Giant Acorn Olympic at Lake Anna.  At both races, I negative split my run and was having a great time.  For the first time in years I was racing in the closing kilometers and not merely surviving.  I was starting to feel confident again for the first time since 2017.

I told myself that if I could nail both Olympics, I would consider signing up for a Fall 70.3.  My preference was Wilmington, but it sold out the night before I went to sign up.  This left pretty limited options, but with the help of Sher-Pa we managed to schedule an impromptu trip down to Texas for Waco 70.3 with the dual goals of having fun and getting a slot to 70.3 Worlds in St. George next year.  My training was fantastic leading into Waco, and the body was feeling good as I started to allow myself some rest.  As the great Mills Lane would say, "Let's get it on"

Waco 70.3

I arrived in Waco on Thursday for the Sunday race. It was nice to have a bit of extra time to get my bike assembled, get settled, and re-acquainted with the heat.  It is still hot down in Central Texas, and the race was forecasted to be 90 degrees with 15mph winds (which turned out to be accurate).  The lead-up was pretty uneventful.  I got in an
easy s/b/r on Friday, and then used Saturday to unplug and relax.  Dad and I even went to the Mammoth National Park and did a little sight seeing. Undoubtedly the best part of these trips is that I get to spend so much time with my dad.  I cherish these days, and honestly don't think I can continue this sport when he is no longer able to.

Waco had a 140.6 on the day prior to our race which made it such that our race didn't start until 12:30 on Sunday...right in the heat of the day.  This is pretty atypical, as 70.3's usually start at 6:30-7:30 a.m. and you are done by lunch.  I wasn't mad at the more relaxed pace of the morning.  It was nice to sleep, eat breakfast, and prepare in the light of day.  The only downsides were that we would be racing at peak heat/wind and there were a few too many hours to get inside my own head waiting for the race to start.  Oddly enough, the swim was wetsuit legal so standing around in a wetsuit in 85 degree heat waiting for swim start was a bit draining.

Nutrition:

I put a lot more thought into my nutrition plan than I have been over the last few years and wanted to make sure I was fully hydrated with a full tank and avoid some of the weird health issues I was having in 2018 and 2019.  Breakfast was pretty standard... yogurt, bowl of oatmeal, and a cinnamon raisin bagel with peanut butter.  I sipped on gatorade and had half a package of LMNT for extra electrolytes.  At the race venue I took a Maurten 100 calorie gel about 15 minutes before the swim start.

Once on the bike, I had two bottles of Maurten 320 which I slowly consumed at the pace of approximately one bottle per hour.  I took a Maurten gel after an hour and then about 30 minutes before I got off the bike.  The second gel was caffeinated.  I took water at the aid stations and had about 2.5 bottles before the bike was over.  I also took 2 salt stick capsules about every 25-30 minutes.

In T2, I had the other half package of LMNT mixed with gatorade for a quick top off of the electrolytes.  My plan was to do another Maurten gel about every three miles and grab coke and water at every aid station.  I pretty much stuck to this plan until I pulled out of the race at about mile 8 (spoiler alert:  Another DNF).

From an energy standpoint I felt good all day.  I did not have any weird fatigue issues or cramping.  I did feel a little "sloshy" on the run, and was having a bit of trouble deciding whether to keep pounding the fluids.  It was accompanied by a bit of nausea.  This was not the reason the wheels fell off.  At worst it was just a little uncomfortable.

The Race:

The game plan for the race was simple.  Swim confidently, Bike Smartly, and have the best Run of my triathlon career.  I increased the frequency of swimming over the past few weeks and felt good that I could swim strong without leaving much of a dent.  I didn't do any high volume sessions, but I was able to keep good feel in the water and rely upon my overall fitness from the bike and run.   Aside from the first few minutes of adjusting to the tightness of the wetsuit across my chest and shoulders I felt really good in the water.  Smooth and steady pacing had me passing several athletes (I went in the water about 45 seconds after the first athletes).  I ended up right where I wanted to be in the field, and felt good about my ability to stay there on the bike.

During the bike, I set a soft target of about 270 watts.  This is about 20 watts lower than I know I am capable of, but did not want to burn any unnecessary matches.  The effort was conservatively hard, but I knew based upon my fit, weight, and equipment choices this wattage would net me a very good bike split.  The bike course was hotter than I was expecting and very windy.  It was the perfect day for smart tactical riding.  Fortunately, there were only a few sections where there was a direct headwind.  Mostly the wind was coming from the side.  This enabled me to keep my pace up and I focused on staying as aero as possible.  Because of the strong side winds I had to recruit much more of my back muscles to control the bike.  I noticed that the muscles in and around my shoulder blades are quite sore after the race, and were similarly a bit tight as I got out on the run.  I had a great time on the bike and felt fantastic.  There was only two riders who passed me and they ended up 1st and 2nd overall.  When the eventual winner passed me, I used him as a pace rabbit for about 10 miles but ultimately decided that I wanted to play it a bit more conservatively to ensure a good run.  At the end of the bike I was in 4th overall and 1st in the age group.  My power was spot on at 270 and my bike split was about 2 minutes faster than I was hoping.  My calorie intake was good, and I peed with about 5 miles left on the bike.  During the ride, I had the pleasure of riding within sight of the race leader with the lead moto.  First time I have ever been close enough to that.  It was pretty cool!!!!  Things were going exactly to plan.....until they weren't.

I had envisioned a best case scenario run of about 1:32.  The course was mostly flat but there is a hellacious 2 mile section of hills that you have to do on each loop of the run course.  In addition it was hot and humid, and I was no longer acclimated after a few weeks of cooler temps in Richmond.  All that being said, I was prepared and confident about the hills.  As the run began, I felt okay but not great.  It was pretty cool to have a cyclist with me indicating I was in 4th place.  The third place runner was about 100 yards ahead of me up the road and his biker was helping me keep him in sight.  I kept pace with him through the hilly section and across the river.

Often it takes me a bit of time to settle into a good pace.  After I had run about a mile I noticed my watch hadn't auto split.  I looked down and noticed I accidentally turned it off at some point.  I struggled to get the watch back on track vs. running blindly by feel.  In hindsight, I should have run by feel, because getting the watch going distracted me from the task at hand, and the splits only served to deflate rather than buoy me.  I got through the first hilly section and they were harder than I anticipated.  I found that I was not recovering on the downhills as much as I had hoped.  As we headed out of the park and toward the other side of the water a runner passed me who looked like he was running about 5:15 pace.  I think it was actually someone on a relay, but it took me off guard and deflated me a bit more.  I am embarrassed it impacted me at all.  On the other side of the water, the third place runner began pulling away, and shortly thereafter I was passed and fell into fifth place.  Each one of these fairly insignificant events was like a little paper cut slicing away at my less than stellar run confidence.  After the race I was shocked to see that the tracker had me running around 7 minute pace up until the time I pulled out.  Trackers are notoriously wrong, but I went so negative I overestimated the degree to which I was sucking.

I am not sure exactly where it happened, but by the time I hit mile 6 my whole mindset went into the rubbish pile....It's happening again, I'm blowing a lead, I can't do this, This is not fun, I want to stop.  

I am not proud to admit it, but these were the only thoughts playing on a loop through my head.  When I came across the bridge to end the first loop, I had checked out mentally.  I got to Sher-Pa and told him that I couldn't do it, and I just wasn't having fun.  He was exasperated and I don't blame him. He told me something to the effect of getting my head out of my ass.  I was winning the AG yet whining.  He was totally right, but it caught me off guard.  In hindsight I am so thankful that I have such a supportive family that is able to speak honestly even when it hurts.  I want to thank my dad for being there and doing so.  His words spurred me to run a bit more but the mental damage was done.  I decided I would stop at the next aid station.  I simply could not will myself to go up those hills again.  The day was lost, there would be no moral victory.  I got to the next aid station and turned in my chip.  

Where Do I go from Here?

Since the race I have had multiple friends and family ask me if it was my body or mind that gave out.  In truth, my body was giving out, but it was my mind that did me in.  I was initially disappointed and confused.  How did my run fail me again?  I did the work!

Over the last 48 hours, I shifted from disappointment to anger, mostly at myself and my self sabotage.  This may be one of the only times in my entire life that I quit on myself.  I am ashamed to admit it, but I did.  When it got tough, I caved in.  Instead of digging deep, finding a mantra, looking for inspiration, etc.  I looked for any reason to stop.

Since the race, I have had several close friends recommend speaking to a sports psychologist and I am going to.  I work too hard, and my family sacrifices too much for me to not perform on game day.  As I sit here contemplating my future in this sport, I realize that I do want to win, I do want to go to worlds, I do want to be on podiums, I do want success, and I am so close to being able to do so, but in the stress of a race all of that desire seemingly vanishes.  My lack of self confidence and imposter syndrome has become crippling to the point where I am not even finishing races.  It's a bad omen when you are winning, but all you feel is failure.  I could no longer see the opportunity that was right in front of me. 

There will be no more triathlons in 2021...but there will be in 2022, and I will be back with a renewed optimism.  I will be hiring a new coach in the coming days, and am excited about the opportunities that lie ahead in that regard.  I have come so far in this sport, but I still have such a long way to go.

I have also decided to step away from Team Every Man Jack.  I want to thank Ritch Viola and the brand for creating and supporting such a fantastic group.  Being on this team has been the biggest achievement in my athletic life.  I have made lifelong friends, and I am constantly inspired by my teammates.  The most impressive thing about this team is that its members' athletic accomplishments are the least impressive thing about each of them (and that's saying something given the results!!!!) The guys that make up the squad are the nicest, most accomplished humans I  have ever met.  In a group of superstars, there is not a huge ego to be found.  That is rare and speaks to the quality of the men that make up this team. Maybe one day I will have the opportunity to re-join, but right now I have some work to do on myself to right the ship.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.  Happy to chat with anybody at anytime about this sport, gear, mental health....anything.  I think we are all better off when we are talking and sharing.

Onward!